A trip through time and space.
A journey into the unknown.
Sights unseen.

A road laced with potholes
the kind that swollow you whole.

I traveled this road. Upon it
I obtained the knowledge I sought.

The road never ends
but it does
The potholes fill in and
the danger passes. If

I accept what it
has taught me. If

I can forgive
yet never forget.


Why do babies cry
Why do grown-ups lie
Why can't we be free
Why can't I ..be me

Out There, Somewhere

I thought I knew me
but I don't.
I'm a mystery
to myself.
Feeling lost
and alone.
there's something

But what, and
where can I find
what I
most need
Will I ever

Out there
is the answer.
But I'm
in here.
Do I go
in search of
or do I stay
and never know

The Key

Why do I live alone
with others
To have turned so far inward
that I can no longer
see the sun.

It's lonely in here, yet
this is where I choose to be.
I am my own prisoner.

What is the key
that unlocks my cell


I feel faceless.
without purpose.
Feeling empty
and alone.
Feeling sad.

Not knowing why
or who.
Not wishing the knowledge
not daring to know.


They don't understand
the pain
the suffering
the torture

They don't understand
the confusion
the imprisonment
the darkness.

They don't understand
the feeling of helplessness
the fear of tomorrow
the nightmare that is real.

They don't understand
or do they

it's me
who doesn't understand.


Like a mismade doll
I float
in a sea of perfection.


in an endless circle
Being pulled
round and round.

I free myself
for just one moment
to ask the question

Little Girl

There's a little girl
locked inside of me
behind invisible bars.

Seeing out through my eyes
she sees a frightening world.
Wanting only kindness
yearning only love.

Not daring to go in search of
for fear what she might find.

Hidden and safe she must remain.
The little girl
locked inside of me.


I fear the night
and the day
I fear to go
or to stay.
To make a move
or to not
to remember
what I forgot.

Should I when
I know my fears
of looking back
through all the years
Will it hurt
and make me mourn
if I recall
yesterday's scorn

Or will it awaken
the child in me
so she and me
can be set free


I look outside my world of fear
of sorrow of loneliness of hate.
I see others as they are
and wish to be as they.

For they can care and share and love.
I don't know how.
Yesterday has robbed me
of these pleasures of the soul.

I can't give or trust or be
a part of the world
outside of me.


When I am hurt
and need escape
I create a world
with a different shape

Softness prevails
as does love
and I'm transformed
into a turtledove

I glide through the air
it’s a wondrous thing
to feel the wind
against my wing

Here wishes come true
dreams come to be
here I can be happy
I can be me

And here there are pillows
for to rest my head
like the one my tears touch
as I lie in my bed


Tomorrow I will.
But when tomorrow comes
yesterday's dreams
are gone.

I remember
knowing a girl
named Laura

But she is gone.
into the meadow
to chase a butterfly
to follow the sun
to be free

Free Me

I sit alone
and wait
for my warden to come
and open the gate.
To the prison
in my mind
I fear not
what I will find.

Or what I won’t
it’s the truth I seek
and it’s time memory
for you to speak.
The reasons for
and the reasons why
I awake in confusion
and so often I cry.

Free me from
these walls of hell
let me out of my dark cell.
Give me the chance
to live and to be
give me the chance
to remember me.


Cobwebs draped
over memories past
confusion reigns
where shadows are cast.

Questions need answers
answers need fact
reasons need proof
all must be backed.

Then slowly the cobwebs
will all fall away
the truth will be mine
I will see yesterday.

Old Photographs

These old photographs
all faded and worn
hold memories of
another day's scorn.

that are locked away
memories of
an earlier day.

Memories that are theirs
not ours
and gone forever
like yesterday's flowers.

Plastic Parents

In my mind they were perfect parents.
Plastic parents.
They were my heroes
not capable of doing wrong.
Yet they were a mystery to me
living in the shadows of my life.


Gloss covered eyes
that can say no more
peer out at me
from behind a closed door.

Never blinking never changing
never giving away
of and gone, with yesterday.

I stare at these images of long ago
searching for a glimmer that verifies
hoping to find one clue
but I find only lies.

If only they'd move
act out a play
explaining for me
the tones of the day.

But secrets they keep
and keep very well
these old photographs
where lost memories dwell.

Wooden Soldiers

When I look back through time
and see your face
it frightens me

I see angry eyes
and I hear
angry words

I feel
like a child again
and so very alone

Where are the wooden soldiers
to save me

Make Believe

I seek out pirates
and lost boys
secret hide-outs
and make believe joys

I search for that star
second from the right
where life is gay
and always bright

Come with me
take my hand
and we will fly
to never land


I am
one of many
who carry
lonely pain.
Not belonging
'ever knowing

Today is
tomorrow's past.
I live
in yesterday.

Wednesday's Child

Wednesday's child is full of woe
troubled and weary
unable to grow.

Lost forever in the frozen past
wandering through
the shadows cast.

Awaiting a verdict never to come
pretending not caring
what will become.

Acting as if no wrong has been done
playing a game
not to be won.

Wednesday's child so full of woe
alone and forgotten
with no place to go.

My Prison

I don't live in your world
I've made and entered
my own.
A world of peace
and serenity
a world joyless
and lonely.
A world I created
I chose
and I fled to.

it's my prison.
The walls have grown
too high
and no doors were ever made.
Forever and alone
I must remain
in my world
of darkness and cold.


Up through the frozen winter snows
a tiny red flower grows.
All alone in a sea of white
searching for the warm sunlight.

Unable to grow or to be
it awaits its destiny.
Born too soon or too late
death beckons from the garden gate.


Mind over matter
I play the role
you have control
over body and soul.

Imprisoned in past
nightmares so real
determines for me
how I think and feel.

Shadowed by
ghosts of yesterday
they stand in my way.

Controlled by the unknown
an essence unclear
close by every moment
yet I know not here.


Faces of old
memories of fear
commands unspoken
that I can still here.


When I touch one hand to one
and feel nothing
I know what time has done.

It’s given me that wordless stare
telling me, ominously
to beware.

Danger is circling like vultures over prey
waiting for the moment
my willpower goes astray.

Then it’s too late, all’s come undone
and I feel nothing
when I touch one hand to one.

Love Denied

Love never given
only denied
Hung on the end of a string
to be withdrawn
when touched.

Love denied
love unknown
An object of beauty
or sold.

Sold for a favor
the favor of fear
Sold for a teardrop
shame and guilt.

This love I want not
no love from you.
If love never touches me
I'll be safe
If love overlooks me
I'll escape.


I feel I'm thirty
going on three
like time revealed a passage
and my past lies before me.

I can see and feel
as I did when
I can leave the now
and go to then.

Back when they
had all the control
when they destroyed
my heart and soul.

I live there now
with questions of why
I can't leave without answers
I can't live with a lie.

Closing In

Closing in
stealing the light
taking all
from my sight.
Breath seems gone
given away
to the enemy
from its prey.
No one to help me
care is not theirs.
Turn cheek from cheek
see not what the devil bears.

Our Secret

Behind a barrier
of real and not
I find myself
in fear somewhat.
For I must do
then tell not of
what goes on behind
and lacks of love.
I tell not a soul
I've promised you
I guard our secret
as you bid me to.

Did You

Did you hate me
Did it feel good
to hurt me
or were you hurting too

Were you
indifferent of me
ashamed of me
afraid of me

Did you
hit me
hurt me
hug me

Did you ever
touch me at all

I Know

Now I know why
in my sleep I cry.
Why I trust not a soul
why I have not a goal.
I can now give a name
I know who's to blame.
But still to this day
I cannot say.


When all the wooden horses
go galloping away
When your imaginary friend
tells you she doesn't want to play.

When fairy godmothers forget
their appointments with pumpkins and mice
When Peter Pan flies not through an open window
but rings the doorbell twice.

When I try so to be happy
but fall to sadness and gloom
When I try to smile
but tears only bloom.

It's time
to cancel Christmas.


All we are
all we feel and do
is effected by the past.

The love we give or cannot
the love we accept or will not
reflects greatly on our yesteryears.

Those years when our thoughts and emotions
were molded and shaped
by the love given or denied us.

I search my memory for answers
to questions of long ago.
Answers I need
to free me to love.

I Scream

I want to scream
but my screams are silenced.
I need to release
the restless energy within
but it continues to be suppressed.
I fear
I am
about to explode.


are they fantasy
or reality
Should one
dream of
what may or may not
last forever


You can't see by looking
my troubles I well hide
No telltale signs to see
my scars are on the inside.


You say I'm neurotic
let me tell you a tale
a tale so frightful
you'll grow ever so pale.

It starts with a child
whose innocence and trust
were abused and denied
for reasons of lust.

It's a tale of hurt and horror
shame and guilt
a nightmare never ending
that my daddy built.

Hidden away
in the crevasses of mind
are memories so painful
they're too deep to find.

But find them I do
more often with time
filled with hatred and resentment
of yesterday's crime.

Memories of darkness
fear and despair
of a man who crept through silence
to take that forbidden dare.

Engraved in my mind
obstructing the way
soiling my future
day after day.

Memories unclear
unable to accept
of secrets we shared
secrets well kept.


So when they ask
why tears I cry
I say I've lost my dolly
and again I lie.


I am not to blame
for that which is
not of my control.

Do not blame me
I am not at fault.
Do not point your finger
and accuse
I am not responsible.

Do not blame me.
I will do it for you.


Wasted wishes
senseless schemes
pointless promises
dried up dreams.

Do Not

No visitors allowed. I want to be alone.
Do not enter. Do not love me.
Love will only hurt. I do not trust.
I need. I yearn. I do not deserve.


there is blackness
a world of peace
where no one can touch me
my worries can cease.

I am my own being
I can feel and I can see
I can think my own thoughts
I can think about me.

I come here often
they don't care
I'm out of their way
out of their hair.

Behind the clothes
and past the shoes
I've made a place
where I can't lose.

I need be
only me.
In my closet.


My hiding place
of inner space
where I'm alone
on my own
and needn't see
the world around me.


Caring for no one
smiling not once
no words to be spoken
no need.
Being alone
you smile within
you talk to yourself
so no one can hear.
You care and you comfort
only the one most dear.


There must be a place
where the sun shines bright
where people are happy
all day and all night.

A land of warmth
where people care.
I'll find it someday
I'll find my somewhere.

My Looking Glass

Through my looking glass
I can see
another me.
One who laughs and sings
one who happily welcomes
what tomorrow brings.
A beautiful princess
who lives
in a far away land
I can be her
just reach for my hand.
Pull me across
help me pass
right on through
my looking glass.

Someone Else

is where
they care.
go there.
To be
that someone else.

Purple Dragon

There's a big
purple dragon
living inside of me.
She is mean
and cares not
who she hurts.
She is fire breathing
and shoots
bright purple flames
at the enemy.

She doesn't smile
and never laughs
she wants to be
And she wants to see
all around her.
gives her

She has but one weakness
one fault
that would destroy her.
Having the enemy discover
she is

Wait for Me

I cry for help
but who hears
A mockingbird
a crane
I hear a train
Take me away
to live in a jar
secure with lid
I'll screw on
Will you help
me fight
for my freedom
from me
There's a bumblebee
wait for me


look at me
see me
love me
I am here
I am real
See my tears
See my sorrow.
Bend and give
just once.

Of Life and of Love

My mother
had no ears
to hear me

No eyes
to see me

No mouth
to tell me of life
and of love.


Look at me
show a care
Find some time
of yours to share.

I Needed To

I suffered from
the lack of love.
I needed so
to be free
from independence.
To emotionally remove myself
from indifference.
I needed to
care no more
that they didn't care.

Becoming Them

Growing up
Wading through
sub-adult life
to be accepted

The passage
in sight
I eagerly approach
to cross
the barrier of age

into them
as do they

I have become
an adult


Little girl
living in a world of hate
Have they determined
your fate

Do they control
what you do and say
Oh, little girl
run run away

Get off that sofa
and fly out that door
They can't catch you
not anymore

Little girl
go out and play
Breathe the air
fear not the day

Don't let them hurt you
and make you cry
Turn inward and say
Mommy Daddy


It sets me free.
I can sneak about
and hide beneath
the cover of clouds.
And the rain
mixes with
my tears
so no one knows
which of us
is crying.

To Forge Ahead

don't hear my cry for help
or see my face of pain
No rescuer to save the day
to clear my skies and dry the rain.

I must decide my fate
to forge ahead or sit and wait.
It can be done
oh no it can't
the seed will grow
into a plant.

Then I'll climb up high
and far away
And never return
to yesterday.

Yesterday is Over

Poor little soldier
she's lost her way
The battle behind her
she sees only yesterday.

But the war is over
you can put down your guard
Come live in today
it isn't so hard.

Just follow that rainbow
and look toward the sun
Yesterday is over
the battle won.


I seek the truth
to not live a lie
If I don't seek the truth
I base my life on lies.
Lies I believe as truths
so my life becomes a lie.

I find the truth
change my foundation
of thinking,
so I can see and be
who I should be.

Then I'll know
what I believe are truths
which are not
and which are.
Which become lies to discard
and which lies
become truths
to build a better future on.


Daddy dear
I'm here to say
Your time has come
you're going away.

Enough with the guilt
of not being you
It's time I be me
and for me to do.

You're being evicted
daddy dear
So pack your bags
and get out of here.

You aren't welcome
not anymore
and behind you
shut the door!


I will be
proud of me.


I give myself permission
to feel
to smile
to be.
And I forgive myself
of all my
imaginary sins.


I'm not free from my past
I may never be. I know
time will help me heal,
and patience.
Time to understand and accept
Patience to give time a chance.


I feel I see I know I am
and so will be tomorrow.

      Not the end but


  I wrote this nearly 40 years ago
     It saved me from insanity


copyright 2016
All rights reserved